I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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