3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
