No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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