i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion