i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
