I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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