I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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