It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
