go do what you do best...puke behind churches
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
