I am spending my child support on dildos
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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