I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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