maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
