You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
