i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
