i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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