he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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