I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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