do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
