talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
