Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Randomize
