There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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