Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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