TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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