I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
