OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
