tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
