I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
