obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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