Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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