census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
