Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
