dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
