Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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