someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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