How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can text with my tongue
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
