I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
