Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
