I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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