Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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