The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
