It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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