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I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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