Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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