i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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