Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
