Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This baby is an asshole
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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