You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
