i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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