Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
