I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
