how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
