That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
