True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
