The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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