I hate your face
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you never un-have a 4some
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