sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
