Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
